tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
