Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
