I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
