the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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