Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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