I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
