remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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