ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
