I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
