now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
