I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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