I wish I could punch you in the face.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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