i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
