she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
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She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
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I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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