If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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