nut hugger
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This is my life. Enjoy the view
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
