Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
