Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
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its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize