he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
