I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
