There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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