i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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