I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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