I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
