Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
