Do you still have your period?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
