OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
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I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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