Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
