totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
