Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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