remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
