Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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