Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
