No awkward lesbian experiences without me
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
