I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
