i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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