my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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