god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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