ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
