I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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