There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
