in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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