I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
