every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
