Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
