Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
