I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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