I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
