so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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