Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
