Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
