I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
