yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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