All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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