Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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