you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
