Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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