I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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